Gauri Chhabra
First in English, first in mathematics, first in dance, first in drawing… this is the wish list that every parent has for his child especially when he has to appear for an exam- whether internal or public. The undue emphasis on marks and firsts is alright but aren’t we sowing the seeds of disgruntlement, frustration and dissatisfaction in the minds of the young? Is perfectionism an obsession?
Till two years ago, I used to wear the badge of perfectionism as an honor. The quest to impress, the self-imposed pressure to amount to something, the colossal hatred toward living in learning curves, the fear of failure and stigma. It left me clinging to instant gratification, praise, and results like lifelines-and I wanted all of them, all the time, without fully extending myself.I never really had to. School and all those co- curricular activities that padded my college applications required minimal effort. And with relative success reinforcing my actions, the patterns continued. I went into college and the workforce with this deep-seated drive to be the best. I always wanted to be praised for everything I did.
When I stepped up the corporate ladder, I was regularly pulled under by nauseating bouts of the never enoughs and felt constantly dissatisfied either with my own efforts or with my team’s.I had to do something about it.
Of course, perfectionism has its benefits, especially in work, where it motivates over-achievers to pursue high standards and new visions. Perfectionists are driven to improve and innovate. They are disciplined and detail-oriented; both of which are critical in professions where there is no margin for error.
But at the end of the day, when you reach home unhappy and you feel that your team has just not done enough, you feel is it worth it? I mean, is it always essential to cross dot all ‘I’s and cross all ‘t’s even if it means mental trauma to someone and your own self?
Let us start an avalanche of introspection and change. Do you want to be known as a person who is always crippled by intense worry? How far is too far? If you also think that perfectionism should not be carried too far. Let us work out the kinks.
Here are some manageable we all can take to walk the tight rope between being a perfectionist and lackadaisical.
Live in long term
One by product of this tech world is we choose to go in for instantaneous results. Instant messaging, instant tea, instant coffee have all robbed us from the patience of waiting and delaying instant gratification for the sake of delayed and long term gratification.
Whenever my inner critic gets in a shouting match with reason, and self-doubt begins to bubble over reality, I make efforts to keep myself in check. I ask myself-
Will this matter in the next five years? Look at everything that happened in your life, the spreadsheet you cribbed about, the layoff you cried at, do they all matter in the bigger, larger scheme of things?
Ask yourself these questions, and you will find most of your battles dying even before they start leaving you to focus on significant things that matter in the long term.
Remember, it is a tight rope walk, it is for you to decide what things to cling to and make perfect and what details to let go. No one can decide it for you…
Love yourself
Perfectionists have one thing in common. They are always on a fault finding mission. That makes them critical of others. It’s a defense mechanism that causes us to reject in others what we can’t accept in ourselves, and the more we pick at our shortcomings, the more we fixate on those of the people around us. These strong feelings come from idealizing the perfect person and life, and it’s a menacing filter we can’t seem to lift off of reality.To kick this habit in the jaw, we must be kind to ourselves. When we like ourselves, even our “flaws” and “imperfections,” we’re much less likely to be grumpy pricks holding everyone under a microscope.
Overcome the fear of failure
Well, it goes back to the example of the school exams- when our parents rebuked us if we failed, our teachers humiliated us, our friends avoided us like the plague. When we enter the corporate world, we are guided by a singular mission- to please and impress. With corporations celebrating success and stigmatizing failure, the fear of failure gets more and more solidified.
Starting new projects, missing the deadline, fumbling during the presentation making the wrong life decision, choosing a partner-we are scared of everything. It makes us indecisive and reliant on others to guide.To combat such submissive behavior, we have to cultivate the habit of refusing to let fear dictate our every move.
Next time you are scared of failure tell yourself – It is alright to fail once in a while. I can just give it my full and enjoy the journey and even if I fail to reach the destination, the journey is worth the while. Then, with a tall glass of cool clarity, swallow the fear of starting, break the inertia and just DO IT. Projects, Laundry, health goals, sketches, writing, music.Blunt the fear of failure and everything will fall in place.
Ditch ‘should’
I should get this done. I should stand ace this interview. I should do everything on my own. We are so burdened with should that later on when life snails towards its end, we say, if I had spent more time with my family, they would have been by my side…Shoulds give away to woulds. Ditch should some time and just bask in the glory of a messy nothingness without carrying it to the other extreme.
So, lower the freaking stakes. Notice when you’re pouting or disengaged. Notice when you’re the only one not laughing, or when you’re frantically pressing patterned napkins instead of enjoying your guests and the party you’re hosting. There’s fun to be had, but you have to allow yourself to let it in.I know because I’ve shunned it before. Attached to doing everything, and doing it perfectly, I’ve watched leisure hours slip away as I became totally absorbed in my tasks. And what room does that leave for love and lying around in happy messes? None. My personal relationships suffered until I learned not to take the maxims for success as absolutes.
Now, I tell myself “So what?” and move right along…
Congratulate yourself
We all had dreams, plenty of them. A perfect family, a perfect job. Few of us end up having all that. We sketched something out in crayons when we were kids, destiny etched completely different ‘something’ when we are adults. Whoever we are, it’s unlikely that we’re who we thought we’d be. And we need to come to terms with that. Since we struggle with these notions of not being enough or never amounting to anything, we need to find consistent comfort in our skin and pride in our accomplishments.
Keep a list. Write down what you’ve accomplished this week, month, or year, and see your worth come alive on paper. It’s simple, and I swear by it. That deep-cleaned kitchen glowing from your elbow grease, the book you finished, the projects you delivered successfully. So, instead of focusing on the small slip and fumble at the annual meet and beating yourself up, concentrate on the last sales presentation that was a success. You made those things happen. All of them. And they’ve been accomplished despite the fact that you’re not the crayon hero your toddler-self thought you’d be.
The point I am trying to make is it is you need to tame your perfectionism. While the focus of your life has to be do well in your jobs and your relationships, but utmost care has to be taken that you do not lose YOU in the process.
After all it is all about YOU.
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