Of festivities and conversations

Ananya Sharma
The past week was one of festivities and family time in our otherwise pre-occupied lives; i had the chance to watch the much applauded Pink with my brothers. The film reflected the deep-set prejudices and unmistakable misogyny that women must contend with daily. How society judges single women, the social definition of “provocation”, the stereotyping of women from certain communities, the manner in which patriarchy paints men as helpless victims of their hormones, how loosely, terms are used, for calling every random girl a “slut” (or an equivalent in regional language) just based on what she wears, how she speaks or who she chooses to befriend
As the end credits rolled I could feel the goose bumps on my skin and tears roll down my cheeks. I’m a feminist. I’m also an outspoken advocate of spaces for conversations. The othering of individuals-women who dress differently, have short hair, choose careers over men/children-ostracizing comes easily to us. The intrepid idealist in me believes so should empathy. When I initiated the conversation on the rampant sexism in the society post the movie did I expect responses from my brothers? Yes. However, little did i imagine that this would kick off a little storm with us discussing our experiences, vulnerabilities, pitching in with love, solidarity, and empathy? As the night progressed, I found myself curating deep, meaningful conversations that left an indelible impact on me, and everyone involved.
While Pink highlighted the significance of consent in conjugal relationships, as i left the theatre i reflected on consent in our families-in our equation with our parents. There is at a societal level conflation of respect with obedience. We need to reflect on our parenting, to give our children the agency to make their own decisions. Consent involves parents and children having healthy disagreements, about openness and acceptance to see the other’s side and not chide away someone because they are younger/don’t have the experience that comes with living a stipulated time frame. It involves letting go of our fragile egos to understand where the other person is coming from-and considering their experience to be a valid one. There is a scene at the courtroom where Amitabh Bachchan elucidates on a manual for a girl’s safety-most of the young women have memorized the manual by heart. And as the scene resonated in our conversation over food I realized ‘protecting’ a woman becomes central to the narrative-and protection is generally provided by someone else-father, brother, boyfriend, husband. In doing so we need to engage with how agency is denied to young women-we clip their wings before they could fly! The ‘male gaze’, as a shaper of woman’s life’s choices needs to be challenged. Boys and men are raised in our society to think that we are men because we demand, we take, we win, and we conquer. We cannot let this sense of entitlement define “men.” Most of the times issues of gory violence related to women come to lime light, the need is to reflect on the structural forms of violence-the one that is silently perpetuated-leading to much psychological harm and women questioning their self worth.
Gender is not an easy conversation to have. It makes people uncomfortable, sometimes even irritable. Both men and women are resistant to talk about gender, or are quick to dismiss the problems of gender. Because thinking of changing the status quo is always uncomfortable. One of my brothers rightly asked “Why the word feminist? Why not just say you are a believer in human rights.” Because that would be dishonest. Feminism is, of course, part of human rights in general – but to choose to use the vague expression human rights is to deny the specific and particular problem of gender. It would be a way of pretending that it was not women who have, for centuries, been excluded. It would be a way of denying that the problem of gender targets women. That the problem was not about being human, but specifically about being a female human. For centuries, the world divided human beings into two groups and then proceeded to exclude and oppress one group. It is only fair that the solution to the problem acknowledge that.
I remember a few months ago, watching Udta Punjab with my cinephile dad and his students and awkward pauses when i made a remark on Alia Bhat’s character. Well, as adults I guess we would engage in a conversation about the issue at hand than hush it under the carpet. A culture of silence shrouds the very concept of intimacy, and stems from an inability to have a candid conversation about bodily autonomy and ability to arbitrate in delicate, personal situations. If this experience taught me anything, it’s that conversation is immensely important. Conversations in families, between friends, at workplaces need to happen. Conversation can destroy apathy. So, talk. Talk as much as you can. Create space for people to talk in.
Talk incessantly, and talk honestly. A single conversation led to so much healing that night. Imagine what collective, kind, empathic, and inclusive conversations could do. So maybe all I want to say is thank you to Apoorv, Nikhil and Nitish for an all  night conversation -where you guys lent an empathetic ear to the experiences associated with being a woman-no judgments attached-here is hoping for many more such conversations-between us and in the society at large.
(The author is a Phd Student CIPOD, Jnu)
feedbackexcelsior@gmail.com

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