Er Ajay Sudan
Love is a longing to include someone as a part of yourself. It is a possibility to become more than what you are, by inclusion. First love; that special someone who stole your heart first, and if you’re being fully honest with yourself, probably still has it. The first time you actually felt in love; you looked at someone and felt this unexplainable urge in your system with your heart pounding so loud and fast, you were surprised that people couldn’t actually see it beating out of your chest. That was the first time you discovered that constant state of delirium that transported you to an entirely different world till you no longer knew what was real. That was the first time you discovered madness inside; the first time you felt so much excitement, you couldn’t contain it. No matter how many girls you kissed before and after, your first real kiss was with that girl you fell madly in love with.
The first time in life you didn’t know what you were doing and still couldn’t help falling for it. That was the first time you wanted nothing more in the world than just being with them. But as they walked away, they took all your firsts from you. You’re happy where you are today, but the hollowness still haunts you. What’s gone will never come back. Try as you may, love won’t ever feel as exciting and exhilarating as it did the first time.
First love is silly, crazy, wild. It’s unrealistic, even foolish. It’s like a bird discovering it can fly. That’s first love. It’s adventurous and fearless. You don’t plan it, you don’t control it, you don’t force it. You close your eyes and just take the plunge. Somewhere between ‘growing up’ and ‘moving on’, that innocence is lost. You can no longer love that fearlessly again. You’re not that person anymore. You ‘look’ for love now. You become cautious. You begin to weigh people, emotions, and relationships. You can’t be that child again. The dream is over; love is not the same anymore. And deep inside, your heart longs that freedom, that spontaneity, that madness.
First Love changed you forever. It’s the first time your heart broke. It showed you the dream and then woke you up suddenly. It made you fall, and fall hard. It turned you into this pragmatic being who weighs every possibility, analyses every person, believes in only what he sees, thinks a hundred times before loving anyone again. It made you ‘wiser’, more careful. It bore a hole in your soul that simply refused to fill itself.
It’s hard to forget the first person you shared yourself with emotionally (and most likely physically), and no matter who else comes in to your life, they’ll always occupy that spot. Whether things ended with mutual respect, or a bang heard around the world (or at least by your neighbours) your first love is likely something you think about to this day. And for some, you may catch yourself thinking about that former special-someone a lot more than you’d like.
You learn who you are. We all grow up and have a certain vision of who we are, but when someone else loves you, it makes you see yourself as they do. It’s different than getting a compliment from a parent or having the support of your friends – your first love doesn’t owe you anything.
They don’t have to love you. But somehow, magically, they do. If you like who they see you as – a good friend, a talented artist, whatever it is – then you can carry that with you the rest of your life. They might even see something in you that you never knew was there, and then you’ve still won even when the relationship ends.
It involves a lot of firsts Of course, your first love might not mean your first time having sex, but it often does. But sex isn’t the only first involved. There’s the first time you say those three not-so-little words to someone, the first time you hold their hand, the first time you meet their friends, their family – when you realize you’re a part of their world and they’re part of yours, too. Those things will happen with other partners but it won’t mean as much as the first time, when it’s all brand new. Your first love shows you that love can end. This is a sad reality. But if love was enough, then no one would ever break up.
You will find some memories never go away.
Eventually you forget what it’s like to spend your daily life with that person, because you have to or you would never get up in the morning. But there are some things unique to that relationship that will remain. You might remember those funny things that seemed funny in the moment but now lack the punch line, or that one awkward fight that still feels embarrassing.
You’ll be doubly glad when you fall in love again. It may not feel the same but you will appreciate your second love even more. You not only survived an epic break-up but found love again. Every time you fall in love it will be because something in that person reminds you of your first love. First Love never dies but True Love can bury it alive.
“It’s Impossible,” said Pride. “It’s risky,” said Experience. “It’s pointless,” said Reason. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart.”
Er Ajay Sudan