Gauri Chhabra
Finding yourself is not about what you add to your life, it’s about what you take away. Once you have created your Absolute Yes List, the top priorities in your life, it becomes easier to identify those things that you’ll need to let go.
-Oprah Winfrey
In this time crunched and twisted world, one of the most essential skills that we all need to practice is the ability to say “no”. We Indians are so obsessed with pleasing others- our spouses, our bosses, our relatives that we keep stretching ourselves a bit too much, so much so that things slip through the cracks and we end up saying ” I am sorry I will do it tomorrow” and tomorrow, as the adage goes, never comes…. Our words lose meaning and we lose integrity.
Is there a way out? Yes, there is. It is in the word- No. Learn to say No. And believe me, in our culture that is obsessed with obedience, it is not easy.
But, without this art, you will be overloaded with requests and assignments, and continuously overworked and missing deadlines, the quality of your work will slip, and you will take on assignments that you don’t enjoy and that don’t pay enough for the time you spend on them.
By saying “no”, although you might feel that others will feel offended, you are also sending a strong message that you value your time, that you have priorities, and that you also respect the person to whom you’re saying no, as you don’t want to commit to something and then do a lousy job or not do it at all.
Now the question arises, should you say “no” to everything that comes your way? Of course not .But it’s also important that you know what you can handle, what you really want to work on, and whether the current request you’re considering fits within your priorities.
If you have trouble saying “no”, here are a few tips to try out.
Yes, sure but…
It may sound counterintuitive, but try moving from Yes to No. Do it as a form of mental judo. You say “yes” to the request and then say “Sure, but I am too caught up right now can you get back to me on this in a month or so? I don’t want to commit to it unless I can actually do a great job on it.” Believe me, if you have the courage and diplomacy to say that no boss in the world will be mad at you.You are not turning down your boss outright, but are putting the ball back in hiscourt. However,say these things if you are sincere about wanting to do it, but can’t do it right now. This takes the burden of action off of you for the moment, without having to actually say no.
You send the message that this sounds like a great assignmentto you, but you just can’t because of your schedule or other commitments. Instead of rejecting outright, suggest alternatives to help the other person out.
First Things First:
In order to know when to say no, you need to know what’s on your plate. You should have a running list of all your current tasks as well as an action task list, made up not of projects but of concrete action steps you need to complete in the next week or so. Once you see this list of all your commitments, you can decide whether the request can fit into your schedule, and if it’s of high enough priority to place on your list of commitments. Guard that list carefully, and only add stuff on there if they are essential. Just focus on the important tasks, first things first.
Time is money:
One reason a lot of people can’t say no is that they feel that their time is not as valuable as someone else’s time. For example, if someone asks you to do something that they could easily do themselves, and you say yes, you are in effect saying that their time is more valuable than yours – or else why would you do it instead of them? Learn to value your time – you only have a finite amount of it, and it’s perhaps your most valuable asset – and learn to show others that you value it by not taking on requests that don’t actually need to be done by you.
Put it on the back burner:
Sometimes it is better to just defer and say “My plate is really full right now. Could you ping me in two weeks on this?” The other party may actually put a reminder in its calendar to ping you in two weeks. If not, it might forget about it. Sometimes, if you defer twice in a row, the other person will give up. But it’s not good to defer too many times on a single request, as it makes you look bad. After two deferrals, on the third request, you should give a definite answer.
Be polite, but firm:
Ever since our childhood we are so obsessed with being obedient and saying yes to everything that saying no amounts to being disobedient. One mistake a lot of people make is being too nice, and too wishy-washy. If you speak like that you may appear to be wavering. If you respond like that, a strong person will continue to press that request until you say yes, because they think there’s a chance you are going to change your mind. You have to make it clear, if you say no, that you’re not going to change your mind. But don’t be rude about it. A simple, “No, I just can’t right now” will suffice.
Pre-empt. If you think that a request is likely to be made, it’s easier to tell people you’re busy before the request is actually made. If you’re meeting with someone, you could say something like, “Before we get started, I have to let you know that my schedule is booked solid for a month, so I won’t be taking on any new projects for at least 30 days.” That will warn the person about to make a request, and they cannot blame you if you say no to a request.
Never apologize:
Never say,” I am sorry”. Again, you have to respect your time. If you apologize, you are sending the message that you are doing something wrong by saying no, that somehow you don’t have a strong right to say no. It’s very tempting to apologize, I know. We often say things like, “I’m sorry, but …” or “I wish I could, I’m so sorry” just because we’re uncomfortable giving an outright no. But again, you are sending the wrong message.
Therefore, learn the fine art of saying No and simplify your life breaking free of clutter- of mind ,of matter and chatter…
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