Power and prejudice

Swati Basotra
At a time when this generation is watching the demise of one woman CM from Tamil Nadu who will remain an enduring icon of feminist energy and whereas emergence of another woman CM as a fighter with unbeatable administration skills in our state of J&K where normalcy and peace is long awaited. When you see these women and watch their untiring quest for their rightful place under the sun that is the role model. I struggle to find any women’s ambition that is interpreted without any preconceived notions and recognized only for her goals and competence.
Recent studies show that even though women account for 51 percent of middle managers in the U.S., they are only a meager 4 percent of fortune 500 CEOs. Is this all women responsibility or is it not their fault? Centuries of women’s exclusion from political, public and professional life have had many effects. Many of these are external legislations, formal policies, pay disparities, lack of legal protections and denial of women’s basic rights. Inequality between men and women has left an internal effect amongst us which has shaped certain fears like a fear of speaking up and of displeasing others. Over the course of time, women have developed certain behaviors that enable them to survive, like conflict  avoidance, self censoring and pleasing people. While we have done a great deal of work collectively, especially over the last forty years, to remove the external barriers to women empowerment, however we have not taken the same close look at the internal legacy of inequality and how to change it. We have a lot of inner unlearning and relearning to do. If women at the very top of their fields, who have every reason to feel confident, are trapped into self doubt because they are playing big and regularly exposing themselves to criticism and visible failures, we need to learn how to receive it and not be paralyzed by it. We also need to learn to interpret feedback so that it propels us forward rather than hurting or immobilizing us. To emanate from this trap and survive against all odds is the main war for a woman to fight.
A woman with ambition and power is a great need of time when people have to accept us at our own terms and lean in without any compulsion and judgment of what women can and cannot do. When playing big, we make things happen, but what makes us take a back seat is the fear of criticism and failure.
When reproval happens, it stings and makes us feel unsafe and grossly misunderstood as I can also relate when my piece of writing is criticized or doesn’t earn due appreciation, I don’t feel like returning to the desk and writing comfortably again. But to unhook ourselves from this trap of praise and criticism is the first step towards our ambition and goals. Playing with power is a kind of bold and free motion and both the fear of criticism and seeking of praise limit that movement.
To some extent our grooming history makes us like this where we need approval each time from a greater power (at home or outside). When a woman is trying to unhook herself from praise and criticism, she is re-training her mind from a generation old conditioning. As I can also recall from many instances in the past, when women come to power, quite often they get personally attacked and more often it is vulgar, shameful and inappropriately personal. Because we grow up learning as to how we should behave and look is extremely important and movies, TV shows and advertising tell the same story again and again, this sends a larger message to women about the importance of how we are being perceived by others.
Last but not the least, there is our good girl conditioning (be nice, be considerate, be likeable, be modest) which makes us more hooked to praise and criticism. One principle to unhook yourself is to realize that “feedback doesn’t tell you about yourself all the time, it also tells about the person giving that feedback”.
Our society is going through rapid changes and as such in the roles and expectations from women. It’s not that we move from playing small to playing big or to not just succeed with system as it is, but transform it to be better – more humane, safe and supportive for human beings. So all parents and guardians need to come forward and accept these changes as they are our daughters who need to be empowered with the confidence and self belief which is required to choose one’s own path whatever that might be and whether it is Jayalalitha, Saina, PV Sindhu or Mehbooba Mufti.
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