B L Razdan
“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing.” (Aristotle)
Man does not live by bread alone. Human beings need more than the simple necessities to keep them biologically alive. They need things that feed them mentally, spiritually, aesthetically, and in many other ways that give meaning to their lives. Man is by nature a social animal (Aristotle) The need to seek and maintain interpersonal relationships is a basic requirement of all human beings. Humans need the acceptance, presence and comfort of others to feel psychologically and socially well. Based on Maslow’s psychological studies, we need to meet our basic needs of safety, survival, love, and a sense of belonging in our communities. This will allow us to tend to our self-esteem and listen to our intuitive guiding signals.
Whether we’re hoping for hundreds of likes on Instagram, help and support from friends, or a simple pat on the back from our parents or even friends, seeking validation from them for a quick boost of confidence has seemingly become a natural tendency. People want others to know that they’re smart and cool and on the right track in life, and these external encouragements (likes, thumbs up, pats on the back, etc.) are definitely helpful.
Most of us, however, to varying degrees, feel fear about what others think about us. In fact, from the time of our birth we are constantly sent the message that what others think of us matters. It isn’t long before we realize how we behave, how we look, what we say, and the choices we make in our personal lives, can draw the approval or disapproval of others. In society, certain behaviours are obviously needed in order to show respect and consideration for others. However, the problem occurs when we require others to approve of us in order to validate how we feel about ourselves. According to research reported in the Time Magazine, the part of the brain associated with reward is activated when we receive approval, more so in some people than others. Therefore, receiving approval can make us feel better, at least temporarily.
According to the Social Anxiety Institute, around 7% of the US population are suffering from Social Anxiety at any one time. One of the key aspects of this is a fear of being judged negatively. If you find your anxiety about what others think of you feels out of control, there’s a chance you could be suffering from Social Anxiety and might need to seek help. However, even those of us without the condition can experience symptoms of anxiety if we’re continually worrying about how to gain the approval of others.
There is, however, a flip side to constantly seeking approval from others. The need for approval negatively impacts our performance – we procrastinate, avoid doing important things, feel anxiety and fear, and occasionally get stuck in worry and rumination. Wanting people to like us results in declining new opportunities, being too nervous to perform effectively, and showing signs of avoidance, such as apathy, withdrawal, analysis paralysis, and even giving up. In fact, the need for approval holds us back from doing the important things. In such circumstances, it is very desirable that we move past this, and free ourselves to achieve and create what we want in life with much less stress and effort. It is imperative that we learn to let go of needing others’ approval, at least to the extent that it would no longer sabotage our success. The need for approval, in fact, kills freedom of choice. Most importantly, seeking validation disconnects us from listening to our own intuition. Our decisions are best left to ourselves and listening to our gut-feeling when thinking of how to proceed.
Confidence and validation essentially go hand in hand. “A lack of confidence stems from a lack of trust in ourselves,” says Lisa Philyaw, a confidence coach. “When we don’t trust ourselves, then we look to others for approval. We trust their opinion more than our own, so we see their opinion as more valid because we’re not trusting ourselves or our own perspective.”
It’s alright to ask for help when we need a fresh perspective on something, but we ought to be careful to not let that support become a crutch. When we listen to our intuition, we’re also practicing deep trust within ourselves. We need to turn inward to our own basic needs and see if they’re being met. Do we feel a healthy sense of belonging where we are in life? If not, what or who is standing in our way? Are we equally receiving and giving love? And more importantly, how are we nurturing love for ourselves? These are deep and important questions to consider, and ones that guide us further towards our self-actualization.
Feeding our self-esteem is a potent practice of fully stepping into our own power again. This may look like removing ourselves from certain social circles where we feel peer pressured or minimizing our social media use. Meditation is a sacred ground for developing our intuition and trusting what comes up. We’ve often heard that all of our life’s questions are answered within, and meditation is the vehicle to those answers. Listening for that deep intuitive nudge is the only validation that is worth seeking because it’s our own. When it comes to nourishing our self-esteem, there will be times where that power sways and when our confidence takes a hit. These are normal and expected turbulences of living an authentic life. But if we continue and tend to these needs, we’ll grow to realize that our inner power is our greatest strength. Thenceforth, we can accomplish anything we set our minds to and thrive. This is the practice of self-worth, and it comes in the form of receiving the love and blessings that come our way. We need to learn that we deserve all of the goodness of this life. The next time we receive something, let us take it all in, truly appreciate the kind word, hug, compliment, or recognition. Let us not be quick to dismiss it or return it to the sender. The more we can receive, the easier it will be to believe ourselves worthy of it. Let us welcome the perspectives of others, but let us not depend on them to show us the way. Only we know what is best for us, and this comes through the practice of trusting our own way by following the gentle whispers of our intuition. It will never steer us in the wrong direction.
Validation is a slippery slope. It begins when we seek other people’s opinions on our decisions in life, and it becomes complicated when we depend on this validation and live our life from the mode of “people-pleasing” and meeting others’ expectations. Not only does this disempower us, but it also adds more stress, anxiety, and depression to our lives. Those who learned to stop seeking approval and validation found that this brings its own rewards. They understood in no uncertain terms that it isn’t someone else’s responsibility to make them happy. They started loving the freedom they felt when they stopped worrying inasmuch as the imaginary boundaries around them dictating how they should live their life, had simply vanished. They discovered that they had much more time and energy at hand that they would waste seeking unnecessary validation.
They also refused to keep setting themselves up for disappointment by seeking approval and got to understand that everyone would view them differently. They also found that many of those from whom they used to seek approval were themselves too busy seeking approval for their own acts, which practice was rather widespread. They realized that they deserve to focus on their own needs. The remarkable realization was that their anxieties decreased drastically and they grew in confidence. To top it all, they discovered that the less they worry about seeking approval the more likely they are to get it.
(The author is formerly of the Indian Revenue Service, retired as Director General of Income Tax (Investigation), Chandigarh.)
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