Prof. Rani Mughal
Falling in love feels good. Several happy chemicals in the brain create a sensation of euphoria that’s akin to a hit of cocaine. In fact studies reveal that to be in love is more dangerous than having cocaine and a small area of the brain called amygdala stops working when one is in love. That is why to come out from such kind of relationship is like getting out of a drug addiction. As two individuals get to know each other, dopamine surges and stimulates oxytocin which is another love hormone associated with attachment and love. Dopamine reinforces pleasurable sensation that gears up the relationship. It may happen for someone known to you for years or it may take a jiffy or as some studies suggest, just 457 seconds to fall in love. Additionally there is no hard and fast rule for how long it takes to fall in love. Some after a single moment, others develop the feelings after months or even years of small gestures and togetherness. Let me word it this way that physiologically it just takes a 5th of a second for all your crazy neuro chemicals to fire at once and produce that in love feeling with the stages including building attraction and ultimately forming a romantic relationship. As days go by, months go by and time passes, physical attraction initially grows into a deeper and stronger emotional bonding. And once it is confirmed that two individuals are in love, they put too much equity on their relationship. They like to share even the smallest moments of their day with that person. They begin their day fantasising about their relationship and at times have trouble navigating their thoughts away from each other to focus on their goals and live a purposeful life. During the course insignificant thoughts pass through their minds and lovers become prisoners of their own thoughts. People may even notice when they observe their easily identified demeanour exhibiting a happier overall body gesture and radiance on their smiling faces. But as the relationship progresses dopamine surges and stimulates more and more oxytocin inducing a desire in them to emotionally connect with the other person which ultimately leads to an increased longing for intimacy and affection. While at the same time their relationship with their significant other suffers and takes a back seat.They become increasingly deficient in their responsibilities to their families. Undoubtedly this aberration leads to estrangement from their significant other.
Marriage on the other hand is a pious and sacrosanct relation not only among the Indian culture but all major regions and cultures of the world. Societies world over preach the significance of fidelity in married life. Be that as it may, the surge of extra marital affairs is not only in India but world over for a variety of reasons. Here I am reminded of married American astronaut Lisa Nowak who became a subject of ridicule worldwide in 2007, when she wore a diaper on a 14 hour drive in an attempt to kidnap her ex boyfriend’s current girlfriend.
One of the reasons for this surge is everyone is in search of contentment in an environment where people feel as if their lives are bobbing on a boat in the middle of a Black Sea. Feeling lost and hopeless, they wallow in emotions and give way to extra marital affairs no matter how morally reprehensible it is.
Now the question arises, are extramarital affairs entirely an emotional bargain?
For an average man to gravitate towards the fair sex for pleasure is fairly common.The majority of men flirt to feed their desire of being wanted and justify their behaviour with million excuses and unfortunately women get attracted to their charm and ruin their blissful marriage for a momentary attraction. But the life of their extramarital affair is not too long which may vary from a few months to a few years wherein none at all gets anything barring the feeling of being loved and wanted.
But in the case of women the basic instinct is to love and care.They are more relationship driven and don’t love in moderation. Additionally women get into such relationships due to their gullibility and sometimes because they want a shoulder to cry on since they don’t get the desired love, admiration and understanding from their significant other making them vulnerable to fall prey to the bait by the opposite sex and their seductions before ending up in a quagmire. This is how the troubled marriage begins to have a third wheel in their pious and sacrosanct relationship.
Now a days to stay connected with the opposite sex is just a click away. Being in such a relationship has become effortless and maintaining the secrecy has never been easier due to availability of gadgets and various dating apps with little or no fear/trepidation that someone could spill the beans. However staying in touch constantly is a sure recipe for brewing trouble in one’s marriage.
Some studies suggest that love in extramarital affairs blossom mostly in forced marriages, boredom, not having emotional attachment with your significant other, lack of appreciation and respect besides sexual incompatibility. The Institute Of Family Studies (IFS) data suggests that 20% men are unfaithful as compared to 13 percent women in their married lives. Economic independence gives them a positive outlook towards life in general and towards their lives which they don’t want to waste in drudgery and dull ness. They seek excitement and thrill. They seek lust and intimacy equally and long to be touched and tantalised. Sexual alchemy, sexual emotions are the strongest human emotion and can make you vulnerable to a degree that you can not fathom at the beginning appears like redemption in the beginning turns ugly.
To cut to the chase, women or men for that matter, who are deeply in affairs rob themselves of their happiness and dignity. They open doors to their self destruction. It is not only a violation of the trust but also a betrayal of values. It is not because they were bad people but they had trouble having their thoughts on track and ultimately your thoughts become your actions. Such people are to be treated with compassion like doctors treat their patients and their significant others must provide them the emotional support to give closure to their extramarital affair and have a new and legit beginning. Forgiveness is a cleansing concept and if it helps rebuild your life do that by all means. Because no matter what, flowers can bloom even after they have been stepped upon. They will blossom again.
The fact of the matter is that euphoric stage in relationships lasts from 6 months to 2 years at the most with few exceptions. But the affair that lasts for few months to few years cuts you deep. The scars are too deep and scars the partner who is being cheated upon. The pain caused by the third wheel to a happy family causes havoc in the life of your significant other. All such illegit relationships need culmination. May be seemingly difficult for many because to come out of a break up is like getting out of drug addiction but once you loose emotional attachment to someone, you realize how ordinary they were and these were your naughty neuro chemicals that just multiplied in your blood stream and you felt in a certain way. And by the end of the day when you realize, it was only “your” love and “your” energy that made them so special, a considerable damage has already been done. Last but absolutely not the least a message for all the lovely ladies out there that if a man truly loves you, he will give you the title of being his wife or fiancé and not a mistress. And mark these words that every poor decision you make in your life, there is more emotion than mind to it. So just be mindful and don’t plague yourself with the baggage of being a “homebreaker”, “the other woman”, “the 3rd wheel”. Women need to reinvent themselves. Make your past a place of neither reference nor residence.
(The author is HOD Botany at Shri Krishan Chander Government Degree Poonch)
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