When will women stop making other women pay the price?

Dr Ifra Nasir, Advocate

After years of practising in family courts and dealing with matters concerning domestic violence, matrimonial disputes and family conflicts, I have had the opportunity and, at times, the painful responsibility of listening to hundreds of women speak about what happens behind the closed doors of their homes.

I have heard women who arrived in court carrying documents in their hands and pain in their eyes.

Some spoke about physical violence. But many spoke about something far less visible and, in some cases, equally devastating the gradual destruction of their mental peace.

And what has struck me repeatedly is that emotional cruelty does not always come from strangers or from obviously uneducated families. Sometimes, it comes from highly educated, socially respectable households people who know the language of dignity in public but forget its meaning inside their homes. A woman may enter her matrimonial home with dreams of building a family. Instead, she may find herself constantly examined, criticised and discussed. Her clothes are questioned. Her food is criticised. Her parenting is judged. Her career becomes a subject of debate. Her relationship with her own parents is scrutinised. Even her smallest choices become material for criticism.And then there is the whispering. Conversations held behind her back. Stories about her repeated to relatives. Her parents criticised. Her personality dissected. Her decisions mocked. Her private matters turned into family gossip.

To those doing it, perhaps these may appear to be "small things." To the woman living through them every day, they are not small at all. Words have weight. Repeated words have consequences. A woman can survive a disagreement. She can tolerate an occasional difference of opinion. What slowly breaks her is the feeling that she is never safe from judgment even inside the place she is supposed to call home. There is a particular cruelty in being constantly discussed by people who live under the same roof, while being expected to smile as though nothing has happened.

And perhaps the most painful question is this: Why does so much of this cruelty come from women themselves? The mother-in-law. The sister-in-law.The women who themselves have experienced the pressures of being daughters, wives and daughters-in-law. Women who know what it feels like to be judged, yet sometimes become the very people who judge another woman. When will this cycle end?

When will women stop becoming the guardians of the very traditions that once hurt them? When will a woman look at another woman entering her family and see not a competitor, not an intruder, not someone whose every action must be controlled but another human being who deserves peace? There is an uncomfortable reality that we must acknowledge: women do not always support women. Sometimes, women become the harshest critics of other women. A daughter-in-law is expected to prove herself in ways that the son is never asked to. Her mistakes become family discussions. Her shortcomings become entertainment. Her parents become subjects of comparison. Her personality becomes a topic of gossip.

And somehow, she is still expected to remain grateful, respectful and silent. We need to understand that this is not "family adjustment." Adjustment is mutual. Respect is mutual.

Compromise is mutual. What is not mutual is not compromise it is submission. A daughter-in-law does not lose her individuality merely because she has entered a marriage. She does not stop being someone's daughter because she has become someone's wife. She does not surrender her right to make choices because she has become part of another family. And she certainly does not deserve to be emotionally punished for maintaining affection and respect for her own parents. I have seen how deeply these seemingly ordinary acts affect women. A woman who is repeatedly criticised begins to question herself. A woman who is repeatedly discussed begins to become conscious of every word she speaks. A woman whose parents are constantly insulted begins to carry guilt for things that are not her fault.

A woman who is never accepted begins to wonder whether there is something inherently wrong with her. That is how emotional cruelty works. It does not necessarily break a person in one day.

It chips away at her, conversation by conversation, insult by insult, comparison by comparison, until she begins to lose the person she once was. And sometimes, the people responsible do not even realise the extent of the damage they are causing.

Education should have taught us better. Social status should have taught us better. Age should have taught us better. And most importantly, our own experiences as women should have taught us better. Yet we continue to see women being told to tolerate behaviour that we would never accept for ourselves. We need to stop glorifying the woman who "tolerates everything." She is not necessarily strong. Sometimes, she is simply exhausted. We also need to stop teaching newly married women that keeping a family together is solely their responsibility.

A family is not held together by one woman's silence. It is held together by everyone's willingness to respect one another. The husband has a crucial role in this equation. He need not choose between his parents and his wife, but he must have the courage to distinguish between respect for parents and tolerating injustice against his spouse.

Silence may appear neutral, but when someone is repeatedly being humiliated, silence can feel like abandonment. None of this means that every mother-in-law is toxic, every sister-in-law is hostile or every marital disagreement constitutes abuse. There are beautiful families where daughters-in-law are embraced with genuine affection and where generations coexist with dignity.

The problem is not the family structure. The problem is the mindset that gives one person the right to control another simply because of age, relationship or position within the family. We must also be careful not to turn this into a battle of women against women. The ultimate goal should be the opposite. It should be women standing beside women.

A mother-in-law should remember that her daughter-in-law is somebody's daughter. A sister-in-law should remember that the woman she is criticising has her own battles, insecurities and dreams. And every woman should remember that another woman's dignity does not diminish her own.

Perhaps the question we should be asking is no longer, "Why can't she adjust?"

Perhaps we should ask: "Why can't we respect her?" Why must a woman constantly prove that she is worthy of kindness? Why must she earn the right to have an opinion?

Why must she sacrifice her mental peace to satisfy people who have already decided that she will never be enough? And most importantly-When will women stop making other women pay the price for the wounds they themselves once suffered?

As an advocate, I have learned that many matrimonial disputes do not begin in a courtroom. They begin much earlier. They begin in kitchens, bedrooms, family gatherings and whispered conversations. They begin with small humiliations that are repeatedly dismissed as insignificant. They begin when a woman is made to feel that she has no voice in her own home. By the time the matter reaches a courtroom, the damage may already be deep. That is why this conversation cannot be limited to laws and litigation. It must begin inside our homes.

We need to raise sons who understand that respecting their wives does not mean disrespecting their mothers. We need to raise daughters who understand that marriage does not give them authority to control another woman. We need to raise families where boundaries are not considered rebellion and disagreement is not treated as disrespect. And we need women to understand one simple truth: Another woman's happiness is not your defeat. Her confidence does not threaten you. Her relationship with her parents does not diminish your importance. Her career does not make her a lesser wife. Her independence does not make her disrespectful. And her refusal to tolerate humiliation does not make her arrogant. Let us stop turning homes into courts where women are constantly put on trial. Let us stop making gossip a weapon.

Let us stop confusing control with concern. Let us stop calling emotional cruelty "adjustment." And let us, finally, stop asking women to sacrifice their mental peace merely to preserve the appearance of a peaceful family. Because behind every smiling woman is a story we may never know. And sometimes, the woman sitting silently at the family table is not quiet because she has nothing to say. She is quiet because she has spent years learning that nobody listens. Perhaps it is time we did. A woman does not need another woman to make her life harder. She needs another woman to say: "I understand. I am with you. You deserve peace too." That is where the women-versus-women cycle must end. Not tomorrow. Not with the next generation. With us.