Parenting in the Age of Endless Excuses

Your Child Has Rights. So Does Everyone Around Them

Dr Vikas Sharma

drvikassharma20202020@gmail.com

There is one sentence that has become an all-purpose defence for almost every kind of difficult, disruptive and sometimes plainly unacceptable behaviour in young children: "He is just a child." A child screams continuously in a train, restaurant, hotel lobby or waiting area-he is just a child.

A child throws a mobile phone across the room-he is just a child. A child hits relatives, kicks people, snatches things, throws objects at others or deliberately damages somebody else's belongings-again, he is just a child. And when another person finally objects, remarkably, some parents become more offended by the objection than by the behaviour that caused it. The person whose belongings were damaged is expected to understand. The passenger whose journey has been made miserable is expected to adjust. The relative who has been hit is expected to laugh it off. The teacher is expected to tolerate. Everyone is expected to display endless patience, except, apparently, the adults actually responsible for teaching the child how to behave. At some point, we need to stop confusing childhood with a licence for chaos. A child's young age explains why self-control is incomplete; it does not mean that every behaviour should be excused, ignored or rewarded. Your child has rights. So does everyone around them.

Children aged three to six are still developing emotional regulation, so tantrums and occasional aggression can occur during normal development. But there is a real difference between an occasional tantrum and a persistent pattern of excessive crying, repeated hitting or biting, or an inability to tolerate ordinary limits. Frequency, intensity and degree of impairment all matter. Calling every persistent problem "normal" is sometimes denial disguised as reassurance.

Persistent difficulties deserve curiosity before criticism and assessment before labelling. Causes may include inconsistent parenting, reinforcement of tantrums, excessive screens or family stress - and, in some children, coexisting conditions such as ADHD, autism or anxiety. This does not mean every child who throws a toy has a disorder; careless labelling is equally wrong. When behaviour is clearly excessive, a proper evaluation can help - not to brand the child, but to intervene early.

A striking feature of contemporary parenting is adults' growing discomfort with setting limits. A phone is thrown, and another is handed over; screaming escalates until a demand is met simply to restore peace. The lesson learned is powerful: escalation works. Giving in buys ten minutes of silence today while making tomorrow's tantrum more likely. Love without boundaries can quietly become indulgence. An even stranger situation arises when someone outside the family objects and parents respond indignantly - "who are you to scold him?" The answer is simple: other people are not required to participate in your parenting philosophy. No stranger may slap, threaten or humiliate a child, but respectful parenting does not mean everyone else must stay silent while their property is damaged. A child's rights do not cancel everybody else's rights.

Perhaps the most important social lesson parents can teach is that the world does not reorganise itself around one person's frustration. Homes and grandparents may bend every rule, but schools, peers and employers will not. A child must gradually learn to wait, share, lose, hear "no", and recover from disappointment.

The smartphone has complicated this further by becoming the most efficient pacifier ever invented - for crying, boredom, mealtimes, long journeys. Convenience should not be mistaken for healthy development. Young children need responsive human interaction and unstructured time to practise self-soothing; a child whose discomfort is instantly replaced by a screen gets fewer chances to develop that skill. Parents should also examine their own device habits: expecting digital restraint from a toddler while adults scroll through every meal is unrealistic.

Public spaces sharpen these tensions. Children have every right to travel and dine out, and babies cry despite excellent parenting - fellow passengers should have empathy. But empathy is not a one-way obligation; the person in the next seat has paid for it too. There is a real difference between parents actively trying to comfort a distressed child and parents absorbed in their phones who expect the whole compartment to adjust.

Poor parenting awareness is not confined to any educational level; highly educated parents can minimise serious difficulties for years behind convenient narratives - "she is strong-willed," "school will settle him." By the time preschools report repeated problems, patterns are more entrenched and family stress considerably higher. Psychoeducation matters precisely because early intervention rarely means medication - it usually means helping parents understand triggers, build routines, and respond to tantrums without reinforcing them. Consistency between parents and grandparents is essential; children quickly learn which adult will eventually surrender.

This is also where "gentle parenting" is often misunderstood. Respectful parenting is not passive parenting. "I know you are angry, but you cannot hit" validates the emotion while still limiting the behaviour - feelings deserve respect, but not every action produced by them deserves approval. Discipline is not punishment; it means clear expectations and calm, age-appropriate consequences - praising wanted behaviour and holding boundaries through protest.

Parents should also resist attacking anyone who raises a concern. If a teacher repeatedly reports aggression, or other children avoid your child, that is worth examining rather than dismissing. Children first learn social responsibility at home - not hitting a sibling, not snatching a toy - because these small lessons teach that other people have feelings, possessions, and boundaries too.

None of this calls for silent, obedient children; a lively, boundary-testing preschooler is entirely normal. But the opposite extreme - a parent surrendering all responsibility because the child is young - is equally unhealthy. The real concern is not that children misbehave, since children always have; it is when adults stop parenting because parenting has been confused with keeping a child permanently happy. Parenting requires affection and patience, but also courage: the courage to say no, to stay consistent through a tantrum, and to seek professional help when something is not right.

The purpose of parenting is not to raise a child who never feels frustration, but a future adult who can handle frustration without collapsing, attacking others, or expecting the world to surrender. These capacities are built through thousands of small moments - waiting a turn, accepting a refusal, apologising after hurting someone. So the next time a child hits, destroys, or screams until a demand is met, resist the easiest sentence in the parenting vocabulary. Ask instead whether the behaviour is being reinforced, whether boundaries are consistent, and whether the adults themselves need to change.

Because yes, the child may be only three, four or five years old. But the responsibility of the adults raising that child is not.