Dr Mohammad Ashraf
Parents around the world would like to ensure their children’s health, safety, growth and development in a way that to their best understanding will promote a smooth and healthy transition from dependent joyous kids to independent responsible and productive adults. And for all practical purposes a high quality parent child relationship is critical for this. This paves the way for an institution that brings up a healthy and desired change in communities and societies. However, these days it is everywhere that children are forcibly engaged from morning through mid night with activities that their parents think will bring up a healthy, accomplished, successful, and responsible adult citizen. This is a global phenomenon right now and we are just imitating the economically developed nations, without knowing the future consequences, as has surfaced from these countries. Latest research has endorsed that well disciplined, warm and affectionate home and surrounding environment will do the job, rather than making your kids like machines to work and perform as per the parental wish. A child if behaves and works in way that you think is suitable, then it is no more a childhood activity and we are covertly snatching the liberties and rights a growing kid. It is an established fact that children are not just young adults and their body mechanics are vastly working in different ways than adults so needs a special redressal.
In affluent societies parents play Mozart CD to infants for enhancing the mathematical skills in childhood. Parents play Baby Einstein tapes to their kids to enhance the cognitive abilities, but forget that while adult Albert was a genius, he talked late and did poorly at school. If he were alive today, his parents would likely get comprehensive cognitive evaluation, not the Theory of Relativity? by which he fascinated every one. By overburdening and over-scheduling our children we are acting against the nature’s way and hampering their optimal growth potentials: physical, social and mental. By keeping child’s brain busy with tons of home/school works he will not have time to think and create of his own; by loading them with heavy bags of books, their tender vertebral column may suffer damage, and by not allowing them for unstructured play we isolate them from socialization and hamper their emotional health, albeit all the parents are doing more so for bringing up the best and winner kids. However contemporary research tells us the otherwise; that parents do better by doing less for their kids.
We ask our kids to follow the schedule strictly after schools like, Monday-Math and Science tutoring, Tuesday- Art and drawings, Wednesday-computer classes, Thursday -Languages and literature, Friday is for religious school, Saturday- parental assessment. The combination of overscheduled care and our own parenting practice could produce negative impacts in already conflicted society. Largely it is presumed that either parents are trying to achieve though their kids what they have not achieved or they are in race of getting admissions in best schools, colleges and universities.
Over-scheduling focus on activities rather than on the individual. A child is asked to perform the best even in subjects that he hates the most- a parent driven kids brain just do nothing but often diminish kids’ self-esteem. It makes them feel empty or not a very good at all or an urge for constant self-improvement. Perceiving parents’ lack of faith in them children may live down to that expectation! rather than blossoming in right. This over-parenting stress in children and adolescents manifests in the form of stomach aches, headaches, and exhaustion. Some kids become rebellious, taking drugs and alcohol as a way to relieve emotional distress. In USA about 9% of affluent teenagers suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, overanxious disorder, excessive shyness, panic disorders, and obsessive compulsive disorder, not counting the many who have eating disorders. Till date highest number of noble winners emerge from USA as their success is based on conventional wisdom, self-sacrifice, and their inner passions. Had Alexander Graham Bell been as over-scheduled as our kids we might still be using carrier pigeons to communicate. Over a quarter of a century, Vaillant (2002) has been conducting longitudinal studies of people’s lives. Two variables that seem to predict a good life include meaningful relationships and enjoying playing.
Useful tips to avoid hyper/over-parenting
Provide warm, affectionate and disciplined atmosphere:
Everyone wishes to be a competent and affectionate parent, however protection should not turn into an obsession. It is really important to know that there is no substitute for actually spending time with your kids and hearing directly from them what they need, want, hope, and how they cherish in disciplined manner.
Actions speak more than words:
Children register everything and try to imitate every possible act, so whatever parents are doing actually puts a direct impact on the child’s personality development, rather than the advises we give. So try your best to act humanely under all circumstances. It is important for your children to see you thriving on your own terms so that they will be inspired to do the same.
Boost the morale of children at failures and praise when they succeed.
It is advisable to admire, congratulate, and encourage when your children accomplish something on their own through your actions. However always be consistent regarding the right and wrong, overlapping the two will spoil the child.
Unstructured play
Over-scheduling all the time is not good, a sigh of relief is unstructured play. Free play in a natural environment is one of the most important ways children learn and grow,. As per Princess Ivana the author of A Simple Guide to Pregnancy & Baby’s First Year; the truth is, kids need to climb trees and run a bit wild to develop vital skills like resourcefulness, independence, and self-regulation – much more than they need to play a math-based computer game or learn a second musical instrument.
Cautious but Controlled freedom
Don’t do for your children what they must do for themselves. Teach your children how to care for themselves, their finances, and assign them age-appropriate chores. Teach them how to responsibly save and spend any money they receive.
Encouragement for solving their own
Children should be given chances and time to solve their own problems while remaining available for the necessary help. No, problem I will take care, honey-strategy should not be encouraged.
Provide opportunities to learn:
We want to save our children from all kinds of harm. However, a tendency to prevent children from making mistakes is often accompanied by a tendency to downplay our own. In addition to depriving your children of the opportunity to learn valuable lessons, this environment can also inadvertently teach them that nothing less than perfection is acceptable. As Albert Einstein, said, “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
Avoid heavy overtones of how-to
Overprotective attitude may take a pretty long time and won’t vanish overnight. Parents have to dial back the hovering by being mindful of their parenting behaviors. Be honest about the possible consequences of leaving your child to her own devices. Making a mistake will however let the child learn a valuable lesson from that experience (learning by doing). So over-supervising and over-instructing your children sends the message that you do not believe in them. Instead, a better strategy is to indulge with them teach, explain them and then leave to practice on their own.
Conclusion: Over-parenting seems a duel edged sword striking both on offspring and grandparents. An optimal blend of moral and contemporary education is must for developing a desired society in resource limited countries like ours.
(The author is associated with Pediatric Nephrology at AIIMS New Delhi)
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